Cursed Blessings

A poem

(Photo by Illya Vjestica on Unsplash)

i feel such disdain

for what makes up my DNA

and what it’s done to my brain

all i want is to be okay.

i’ve become bitter, unwilling to accept

a piece of the person that i am

this graceless genetic defect

i’ve fought so hard to forget

a sickness to which i refuse to submit.

i’ve tried to drown it out

in parlors filled with poison

that only entrapped my energy

i’ve tried to swallow it down

with persuasive pills

that crippled my cheerfulness

i’ve tried to exhale it

with a perilous pale powder

that stole my sociablity

i’ve tried to find a revolutionary reflection

in crystal clear shards of glass

that held hostage my sense of humanity

i feel a heavy ache

knowing i cannot escape

what’s written in my DNA

but i know i’ll be okay

for God makes no mistakes.

i’ve finally come to accept

expansive emotions that exist

i no longer try to hide or omit

things i’ve done, things i regret

i’ve learned to embrace who i am.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder as a young adult. Most of my adult years have been spent wondering why I couldn’t just be “normal” and feeling such disdain for who I am. I spent some time off medication, which led me down the darker path of addiction which I was lucky enough to recover from. I look back now on my younger self wondering why it was so hard for me to accept that I am wired differently than most and why I spent so much time trying to mask who I am. I’ve begun looking at the lighter side of my disease- sure I have some dark moments, but then again I have some days where creativity just seeps out of me and that seems more like a blessing than a curse.