Numb
A poem
I feel nothing for this world
hopeless, just another lost girl
a girl who was left behind
a girl with so much to hide.
I search for some kind of truth
to heal scars made in my youth
I’m told not to open old wounds
so instead, I decide to use.
This elixir changes everything
it makes me feel relaxed, carefree
finally freedom from hidden pain
freedom from all the things I hate.
Though I may be just a hopeless girl
I’m at least numbed to the world.
This is something I wrote years ago, and just happened to come across today. I was reminded of how baffling the disease of addiction can be. It finds a weakness, and weasels it’s way into whatever void it can, making you believe it will fill the hole inside you. I was barely fourteen the first time I used a substance, and for the first time in my life I didn’t feel like I had to care about anything. I didn’t feel like I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t feel like I was a burden, and I definitely didn’t feel the pain I had always carried from abuse as a child. The freedom it brought me comforted me in ways that nothing and no one ever had. I learned quickly though, that relief came with a price.
I am grateful for my recovery, and for finding little things like this that remind me of how far I’ve come and how far I can still go.
