(Photo by Curioso Photography on Unslpash)

I feel nothing for this world

Just a hopeless, lost girl

A girl who was left behind

A girl with so much to hide.

I search for some kind of truth

To heal scars made in my youth

But they tell me not to open old wounds

So instead, I decide to use.

This elixir changes everything

It makes me feel relaxed, carefree

It frees me from all of my pain

It frees me from those I hate.

Though I may be just a hopeless girl,

At least I’m numb to the world

This is something I wrote years ago, and just happened to come across today. I was reminded of how baffling the disease of addiction can be. It finds a weakness, and weasels it’s way into whatever void it can, making you believe it will fill the hole inside you. I was barely fourteen the first time I used a substance, and for the first time in my life I didn’t feel like I had to care about anything. I didn’t feel like I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t feel like I was a burden, and I definitely didn’t feel the pain I had always carried from abuse as a child. The freedom it brought me comforted me in ways that nothing and no one ever had. I learned quickly though, that relief came with a price.

I am grateful for my recovery, and for finding little things like this that remind me of how far I’ve come and how far I can still go.

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