I feel nothing for this world
Just a hopeless, lost girl
A girl who was left behind
A girl with so much to hide.
I search for some kind of truth
To heal scars made in my youth
But they tell me not to open old wounds
So instead, I decide to use.
This elixir changes everything
It makes me feel relaxed, carefree
It frees me from all of my pain
It frees me from those I hate.
Though I may be just a hopeless girl,
At least I’m numb to the world
This is something I wrote years ago, and just happened to come across today. I was reminded of how baffling the disease of addiction can be. It finds a weakness, and weasels it’s way into whatever void it can, making you believe it will fill the hole inside you. I was barely fourteen the first time I used a substance, and for the first time in my life I didn’t feel like I had to care about anything. I didn’t feel like I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t feel like I was a burden, and I definitely didn’t feel the pain I had always carried from abuse as a child. The freedom it brought me comforted me in ways that nothing and no one ever had. I learned quickly though, that relief came with a price.
I am grateful for my recovery, and for finding little things like this that remind me of how far I’ve come and how far I can still go.