A List of Things You Gave Me

I can’t say these things to you,

though I wish I could.

It’s not because you’re dead yet,

for whatever reason,

I’m still afraid of you.

So I made you a list, like I did as a kid…

This is a list of things you gave me.

-You gave me a promise when you married my mom,

to love me and protect me as if I were your own.

-You gave me a desire to learn,

to acquire as much knowledge as I could.

-You gave me a love for reading,

for expanding my vocabulary.

-You gave me my first bike ride

without training wheels

you stayed next to me the whole time.

-You gave me my first roller skates,

you also taught me to use them.

-You gave me a love for math,

and how it always has an answer.

-You gave me candy cigarettes and a big red

every time you went to the gas station.

-You gave me my first Roman candle fight.

-You gave me lessons on how to use a lawn mower

and it quickly became my favorite summertime chore.

-You gave me the love for fast cars,

and when mom wasn’t around,

we got to go over 100 and it made me happy.

-You gave me permission to throw potatoes in my first (and only) food fight.

-You gave me a love for outside activities like baseball and skateboarding.

-You gave me a need to constantly apologize,

even when I’m not at fault.

-You gave me my first science kit,

sat at the table and did half of the activities in one day

because I just HAD to do them all.

-You gave me a fear of scissors cutting my ponytail

the night you cut moms off for fun.

-You gave me a complex about my body,

constantly reminding me I was chubby,

and calling me bubble butt.

-You gave me a fear of speaking up for myself

because you said I was lying.

-You gave me the knowledge bad guys aren’t out in the world,

they are sometimes people you’re supposed to trust.

-You gave me a fear of loud noises,

now people screaming gives me anxiety.

-You gave me a fear of my mom ever being anywhere

except with me

because when she was gone, bad things happened.

-You gave me scars from sexual abuse

I could tell no one about for years.

-You gave me hell when I finally did tell someone,

when mom couldn’t handle it and tried to kill herself,

you made sure that I knew it was MY fault.

-You gave me an apology as an adult,

and I thought I forgave you, but I don’t.