A List of Things You Gave Me.
I can’t say these things to you,
though I wish I could
It’s not because you’re dead yet,
for whatever reason,
I’m still afraid of you.
So I made you a list, like I did as a kid…
This is a list of things you gave me.
-You gave me a promise when you married my mom,
to love me and protect me as if I were your own.
-You gave me a desire to learn,
to acquire as much knowledge as I could.
-You gave me a love for reading,
for expanding my vocabulary.
-You gave me my first bike ride
without training wheels
you stayed next to me the whole time.
-You gave me my first roller skates,
you also taught me to use them.
-You gave me a love for math,
and how it always has an answer.
-You gave me candy cigarettes and a big red
every time you went to the gas station.
-You gave me my first Roman candle fight.
-You gave me lessons on how to use a lawn mower
and it quickly became my favorite summertime chore.
-You gave me the love for fast cars,
and when mom wasn’t around,
we got to go over 100 and it made me happy.
-You gave me permission to throw potatoes in my first (and only) food fight.
-You gave me a love for outside activities like baseball and skateboarding.
-You gave me a need to constantly apologize,
even when I’m not at fault.
-You gave me my first science kit,
sat at the table and did half of the activities in one day
because I just HAD to do them all.
-You gave me a fear of scissors cutting my ponytail
the night you cut moms off for fun.
-You gave me a complex about my body,
constantly reminding me I was chubby,
and calling me bubble butt.
-You gave me a fear of speaking up for myself
because you said I was lying.
-You gave me the knowledge bad guys aren’t out in the world,
they are sometimes people you’re supposed to trust.
-You gave me a fear of loud noises,
now people screaming gives me anxiety.
-You gave me a fear of my mom ever being anywhere
except with me
because when she was gone, bad things happened.
-You gave me scars from sexual abuse
I could tell no one about for years.
-You gave me hell when I finally did tell someone,
when mom couldn’t handle it and tried to kill herself,
you made sure that I knew it was MY fault.
-You gave me an apology as an adult,
and I thought I forgave you, but I don’t.